No exercises, no starving, no harmful drugs

It's that time of year again, when we all feel the need to improve ourselves and make some New Year's resolutions.

If, like me, you're pretty weak-willed, then you might need some help. So I've scoured my stash of vintage magazines to find some easy solutions to help us.

This week, I'm going to share all these self-improvement miracles with you. Today I'm starting with the body beautiful.

First entrant to pitch for your slimming business is My Big Fat Gypsy Secret from 'Petulengro'. This 'Famous Radio Romany' will send you a herbal secret for half a crown. Not sure what 'no "starving"' means. Those inverted commas are worrying...

Next up we have the true-life story of 'Mrs Guppy'. Nothing fishy about this one.

(Sorry - couldn't resist that.)

Apparently, eating Bisks with 'butter or cheese' will 'satisfy your hunger pangs'. Well, yes, I imagine they would, but as your arteries harden, will you actually lose weight?



The photos are odd. Did she lose the weight simply by divesting herself of a small child?

The next pair of adverts are from the same company.The first one is for Beautipon 'the amazing Vegetable Flesh former'. I'm not sure why you would want vegetable flesh on your bust (unless you literally want a pair of melons), but I seriously doubt their claims.

I do feel sorry for the poor droopy woman in the 'before' picture, not so much for her flat bust, but because she appears to have grown spaniel ears on her head.

However, the manufacturers of Beautipon (the amazing vegetable flesh former) also make Slenderettes 'the Slimming Tonic Tablets'.

It makes me think of Alice in Wonderland - 'One side will make you larger and one side will make you smaller'. (A slight misquote, but we seem to be in the same magic world of wonder drugs.)

Apparently Slenderettes 'activate the fat-controlling gland' (I wonder which gland that is?), but contain 'no thyroid or dangerous chemicals'. A medical marvel indeed.

I'm not sure if I can wait for them to work, so I might just send off for their 'Slimming Belts and Bras'.

I could certainly do with a 'miraculous change in my figure'!